Sailor Akane
by A-kun
Summary: Meet Quartax, the Dispenser of Sailor Powers. It's here to give Akane Tendo the chance to be a magical girl! Why does that cause a shiver to run up my back?
1. Strike 1 Quartax

Akane stared at the weird looking creature. It looked like a   
  
floating pinkish-blue ball with various spongy spring-shaped limbs,   
  
only each limb's bend looked different. A glowing red light from it's   
  
middle indicated an eye or a mouth. She couldn't tell which.  
  
She continued to stare at it for a few seconds, before realizing   
  
she was still in the bath. She squealed and covered her breasts.   
  
Everyone knew that magical advisors were perverts. Then again, the   
  
very idea that a magical creature would come to her.  
  
"You want me to be a magical girl?" Akane inquired.  
  
"MMmmmyes." the creature hummed out, "You see, we've been   
  
researching this dimension recently and it's sorely lacking in   
  
guardians of a magical nature. I am Quartax, Dispenser of Powers."  
  
Akane considered it. After all, being a magical girl was pretty   
  
cool! And being a magical girl would prove to Ranma that she wasn't a   
  
kawaiikune tomboy! After all, everyone envied the beauty of a magical   
  
girl!  
  
"Would I get magical powers?" Akane asked.  
  
The Dispenser of Powers seemed to stare at her for a minute   
  
before answering, "_YES_."  
  
Quartax seemed to be glaring at her, as if reconsidering the   
  
whole deal.  
  
"What sort of powers would I get?" Akane queried.  
  
"Well... I must test your mental state when you are relaxed to   
  
decide. We'll reconvene in your room in a few minutes, when you are...   
  
decent." Quartax responded.  
  
Five minutes later, Akane was dressed and sitting on her bed.   
  
Quartax appeared again, only this time, one of it's limbs held a small   
  
bag, no bigger than the kind marbles usually came in.  
  
"I have judged your actions and I present to you your magical   
  
pen!" Quartax declared, reaching into it's bag and pulling out a white   
  
pen with black spots.  
  
Akane took the pen with a look of glee, "All right, world, here   
  
comes Sailor Akane!"  
  
"Um, no." Quartax interupted.  
  
Akane blinked, then glared at the weird creature, "What do you   
  
mean 'Um, no'?"  
  
"Your senshi name is not Sailor Akane. It's Sailor Cow." Quartax   
  
explained.  
  
"SAILOR COW?!" Akane demanded angrily, grasping one of Quartax's   
  
limbs and squeezing.  
  
Had she known that the gesture was futile as Quartax's body was   
  
made up entirely of Nerf particles, she might not have bothered, but   
  
she didn't, so she did bother.  
  
"You don't like it? You'd have the power to summon milk by   
  
gyrating over buckets, squeeze tits from across the room just by making   
  
kissing motions, create methane clouds from your anus, enlarge anyone's   
  
breasts by fondling them, and you could devour and process any form of   
  
plant fiber. It's really quite useful." Quartax stated, a bit shocked   
  
at Akane's angry demeanor. Hell, Sailor Cow was actually preferred in   
  
some universes over lesser powers like Sailor Fingernail Infection or   
  
Sailor Backhair.  
  
While the squeezing tits part sounded like the perfect revenge   
  
against Ranma's other suitors, and the thought of enlarging her breasts   
  
to an E-cup was VERY tempting, Akane was more than turned off at the   
  
other more useless powers.  
  
"And just how would creating a methane cloud be helpful?" Akane   
  
asked.  
  
"You could light it on fire, causing a large exPLOSIONGRRRHH"   
  
Quartax's voice was changed as Akane grabbed his torso and squeezed   
  
hard.  
  
"NO! Absolutely not!" Akane snarled, tempted to throw the   
  
creature across the room.  
  
"Then release me, return the pen and I shall see if I can find a   
  
suitable replacement." Quartax instructed.  
  
Akane let the creature go and gave it back the Sailor Cow pen.  
  
"Now give me something really powerful!" Akane demanded.  
  
Quartax placed the first pen back into the bag and removed a   
  
second pen that was colored Nothing. Akane blinked and looked at the   
  
pen again, which was still colored Nothing. Akane decided not to look   
  
at the pen.  
  
"Sailor Void it is." Quartax declared, "You have the power to end   
  
existence."  
  
"And?" Akane inquired.  
  
"That's it. You end existence and then you yourself die. In   
  
fact, since the power is used the instant you transform, I don't know   
  
why I even have this thing."  
  
Quartax placed the Void pen back into the bag and removed a   
  
third.  
  
"This is Sailor Sex Appeal. Not very powerful, but you can sway   
  
the hearts of those around you to desire you." Quartax stated.  
  
"All right! I'll take it!" Akane said, snatching the pen away.  
  
"The henshin phrase is 'Everybody Wants Me' and the command word   
  
to activate your power is 'Take Me In Your Arms And Rock My World'.   
  
Good luuuuck." Quartax told her.  
  
Akane grinned and raised the pen high, "Everybody wants me!"  
  
She transformed.  
  
Her hair grew as long as it had been when Ranma first arrived at   
  
the Tendo household, only it was a luscious blond and wavy. Red   
  
lipstick coated her lips just so; her body shifted slightly to amplify   
  
her slightly increased 'assets'; and her yellow sweater and dark blue   
  
skirt changed into a sexy red cheongsam, similar to the kind Shampoo   
  
wore to woo Ranma during that Reversal Jewel incident.  
  
Akane giggled and raced downstairs to find Ranma, not really   
  
noticing that she was moving slowly in her high heel shoes or   
  
swaggering her hips in a sexy fashion.  
  
Akane found her father, Nabiki, Kasumi and Genma watching   
  
television in the living room, while Ranma practiced near the koi pond.   
  
Akane smiled. Time to try out her powers. Just as she began to call   
  
out the power's activation words, Ukyou walked around the corner and   
  
Shampoo and Mousse leapt over the fence with a ramen delivery.  
  
Quartax would have blinked if the process didn't shut off his   
  
eyesight for several minutes, as Akane appeared back in the room and   
  
slammed the door shut. She stacked her desk in front of the door and   
  
moved her dresser in front of the window.  
  
"I say, something wrong?" Quartax inquired.  
  
"WHY DID MY FATHER JUST MOLEST ME?!" Akane demanded.  
  
"Oh, Akane darling...." Ukyou's voice moaned through the door as   
  
the sounds of a large group of people battering at the wooden obstacle   
  
echoed throughout the room.  
  
"Akane! I can't live without you!" Genma's voice followed.  
  
"Oh, I thought you knew that the power affected everyone within   
  
viewing or hearing distance. I'm sorry." Quartax apologized.  
  
"DON'T APOLOGIZE! JUST TELL ME HOW TO BREAK THE SPELL!" Akane   
  
whimpered as Shampoo and Mousse began reciting poetry that, while   
  
rather melodic, was filled with sexual innuendo as Quartax noted.  
  
"You simply have to will your powers away and you'll   
  
detransform, breaking the spell." Quartax instructed.  
  
Akane willed her powers away. A second none too late, either as   
  
the door cracked. Her father's voice reassured her that the spell was   
  
gone as he inquired, "Weren't we just in the living room?"  
  
Akane breathed a sigh of relief and handed the pen back to   
  
Quartax, "I've decided against it."  
  
Quartax hummed in disappointment, but took the pen back and put   
  
it in it's bag. The process was taking pretty long and he had other   
  
candidates to imbue with magical powers, so he decided to fib a bit and   
  
make the next three the final choices he would offer her.  
  
"Well, I've only got three left." Quartax explained, pulling out   
  
three pens, "Sailor Battle Athletess, Sailor Flower, and Sailor   
  
Whoremonger."  
  
"Sailor Whoremonger?" Akane asked.  
  
"Yes, it's powers are based on whores, you see and-" Quartax   
  
began.  
  
"Stop. What about Sailor Battle Athletess?" Akane inquired.  
  
"Sailor Battle Athletess has the power to perform any physically   
  
based ability at it's limit, which includes that of insects, so you   
  
could imitate an ant and lift over fifty times your own body weight.   
  
You also can never be beaten in the realm of sports, in or out of   
  
transformed state. Even if you would normally stink at it, you would   
  
instantly be able to mimic any professional athlete." Quartax   
  
explained, then looked downtrodden, "But there's a little drawback."  
  
"What is it?" Akane inquired, as it would be really cool to be   
  
able to swim for once. And being able to beat Ranma in sparring would   
  
be cool too!  
  
"You have to maintain a lesbian relationship. In fact, in order   
  
to get a lot of the powers, you have to maintain a very STRONG lesbian   
  
relationship. And we're not talking holding hands, we're talking your   
  
powers and abilities are equal to how much you've experimented. For   
  
the ability to win a triathalon, for example, you'd need to be having   
  
naked foreplay on a regular basis." Quartax told her.  
  
"Why?" Akane demanded.  
  
"It's just how the powers were based. Trust me, if I had a say   
  
in what powers I gave out, I would have one, but otherwise, it's all   
  
I've got." Quartax told her.  
  
Sailor Flower and Sailor Whoremonger didn't sound like her kind   
  
of thing. Flowers were so... sissy-like and the idea of knowing what   
  
whores did scared her.  
  
"I guess I'll go with the Sailor Battle Athletess..." Akane   
  
grumbled. Maybe Ranma's female side would count.  
  
Quartax didn't really see WHY. Sailor Battle Athletess was the   
  
WEAKEST of the three it was offering. After all, Sailor Flower had the   
  
ability to regenerate her physical and energy reserves, she could never   
  
be defeated while the sun or the moon was up, and she could never be   
  
killed. Sailor Whoremonger came with a Kaiju-sized mech and allowed   
  
her to make use of the knowledge of _any_ 'whore', including anime fans   
  
who were 'whored' to their obsession, and that lead to a LOT of   
  
information.  
  
But it was Akane's choice.  
  
"You're sure?" Quartax inquired.  
  
"Definitely." Akane answered.  
  
"I'm not taking it back, nor will I be around for you to call   
  
upon after today." Quartax warned.  
  
"Look, it's fine." Akane told the Dispenser of Powers.  
  
In any case, it was up to Quartax to make sure Akane got a decent   
  
start on building her power base. Quartax flexed it's powers and   
  
restored Akane's room and door to normal, "All right. And to help you   
  
along, I've selected someone who's personality is very compatible with   
  
yours. Do your best, Sailor Battle Athletess."  
  
With that done, Quartax vanished, never to return to Akane's   
  
sight ever again.  
  
"Mmmm, Akane darling...." Kodachi purred into Akane's ear, "Let's   
  
play Hide the Dildo...."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Akane screamed.  
  
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End Rant:  
  
"Why even bother?", you might ask. While the concept of giving   
  
someone in the Ranma 1/2 cast senshi powers is certainly nothing new,   
  
everyone always gives the people something that they can't change. In   
  
this one, Akane must deal with her own selection.  
  
In every story that Ranma joins the senshi, he's either a brand   
  
new never-before-seen heroine (Sailor Ranko or Paragon), he replaces   
  
Sailor Moon (Sailor Ranko or New Sailor Moon), or he doesn't need any   
  
new powers (only a few fanfics have taken this route).  
  
When Akane is given Sailor Powers, she's either a duplicate of   
  
Sailor Mercury (i.e. having ice/water powers) or she's Sailor Hammer.  
  
Not many ideas were actually made prior to actually writing about   
  
them. Sailor Flower and Sailor Whoremonger actually sound pretty   
  
powerful, when you stop and think about the POSSIBILITY of what their   
  
powers might be. Just like Sailor Uranus. She's got the word 'Anus'   
  
in her name, making her the 'butt' of everyone's jokes, however, she's   
  
one of the more powerful Senshi, easily making the top 5.  
  
Also, let us not forget that Sailor Saturn and Sailor Pluto's   
  
powers were screwed up in the original version. Saturn (Kronos in   
  
Greece) was the God of Time while Pluto was the God of Death and the   
  
Dead. However, Sailor Pluto got the time powers while Sailor Saturn   
  
got the death powers. What's up with that?  
  
I guess Miss Takeuchi was trying to disrupt the more predictable   
  
patterns. Plus, the idea of Sailor Pluto being ostracized would be a   
  
little much.  
  
Inspiration:  
  
As for the inspiration for this story, you can thank DB Sommer   
  
made "Failed Experiments In Magical Girl Creations", where Kasumi Tendo   
  
becomes a barbarian (or something like that), when she was hoping more   
  
for a Wedding Peach or Sailor Moon sort of deal.  
  
Immediately following that, I found a joke list of Good and Bad   
  
Senshi traits and that sort of sparked this.  
  
A-kun, out. 


	2. Strike 2 Anubis

Quartax, Dispenser of Powers (First Class, Unlimited) sighed as it (he?) looked over the massive pile of folders. As their particular interdimensional agency grew larger, the number of cases for worlds in desperate need of magical enforcers increased.  
  
He glanced over to his carbon-based lifeform co-worker, a humanoid dark-furred/scaled wolf-dragon hybrid by the name of Anubis, who was blitzed on chocolate milkshakes the way some humans got blitzed with malt liquor.(1)  
  
His co-workers in Anubis' section of the department were part of the reason they were so far behind. Quartax was one of six current members of the Dispenser of Powers section of the department while Anubis was part of the Enforcement of Regulations section of the department, which had a proud four members remaining.(2)  
  
Anubis' job was, to put it simply, locate all of those who'd been granted powers by the Dispensers of Powers (such as Quartax) and make certain that the so-called appointed guardians were, in fact, fighting crime and stopping interdimensional hazards.  
  
Back when the agency had first started, they'd been guarding only twelve or so dimensions and there were contractual obligations, rules and regulations for the appointed magical warriors to abide by.  
  
However, as time progressed, things began falling apart. Some dimensions began needing guardianship so badly that the contracts were all but forgotten.  
  
The position was largely considered to be a cursed job, so to keep the remaining four members from crying themselves to sleep in the office, they had limited the Enforcers to simply making sure the people who'd received powers had their status reviewed a year after their appointment, then again every five years.  
  
Once Anubis sobered up, he'd get to the next case file. Quartax almost wished there were something in his bag of Senshi pens, wands, batons, etcetra, that could help Anubis out a little.  
  
Especially considering that Anubis was fast approaching a rather displeased set of young women.  
  
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Sailor Akane 2 - Sometimes, You Were Better Off Before  
  
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It had NOT been a good year for one Akane Tendo. Ever since she'd taken the position of Sailor Battle Athletess (3), she'd been forced to start up a lesbian relationship in order to get most of her powers. Worse yet, she'd been partnered with Kodachi Kuno, whom the creature (Quartax) had decided was the best suited to her personality.  
  
It was amazing how a little thing like a lesbian relationship with a crazy weirdo could make even the most perverted male seem like a god-send to Akane.  
  
Even if Akane admitted to having the occassional lesbian fantasy prior to her current relationship (4), she'd always pictured someone else to be her lover. Namely Ranma Saotome, in female form. However, as time went on, she would have been happier with just about ANYONE but Kodachi. Shampoo, Ukyou, Sayuri, Yuka, Miss Hinako, Kaori Daikoku, Azusa Shiratori, Kiima... hell, even an incestual relationship with her sisters was beginning to look like a step up from Kodachi.(5)  
  
At least with the others, there might have been some sort of privacy or fetish that wouldn't be explored. Kodachi seemed to look at a list of possible lesbian fetishes as a challenge list. Each had to be explored extensively for AT LEAST two weeks before she'd move on to another one.  
  
Admittedly, there were some that weren't that terrible. The foot and hand fetishes were a bit bothersome, but not all together impossible to get used to. However, she was currently into spanking, which was infinitely better than ANYTHING that had happened during the last three months. Next week was bondage. (6)  
  
Akane wouldn't have minded if she could have broken up with Kodachi and started anew with another girl. Sure, she might lose most of her powers, but at least she'd be able to sit down without wincing. However, Kodachi thought Akane was just getting a jump start on Roleplaying and refused to let her go.  
  
However, fortune smiled upon her, even if a little bit. Kodachi still had presense of mind to let Akane live separately, at least until they'd graduated, then Kodachi planned to hire Akane as a maid so they could live in 'bliss eternal' without sullying the names of their families.(7)  
  
As she entered her room, she noticed something was not right. She usually did not have a six foot seven inch tall humanoid wolf-man in her room. She shifted into a guard stance when she noticed he was holding a folder that read "Akane Tendo: Sailor Battle Athletess". Rather than automatically assume him to be one of the random monsters her mysterious arch-rival, The Evil Wizard Lord Gos-kun,(8) she decided to let him answer for himself.  
  
"Who are you?" Akane demanded.  
  
"Anubis, Enforcer of the Intergalatic Review Board that gave you your powers, Akane Tendo." the wolf-man responded in a bored tone.  
  
Akane took a better look at the wolf-man. He was pretty tall, with black fur covering most of his body, save for some yellow scales on his chest and stomach, and a black-scaled lizard tail. However, from the dark grey fur in inch-thick circles around his bright green eyes, she guessed that he was rather overworked, deprived of sleep or both.  
  
"What are you?" Akane inquired curiously.  
  
"A Warmagonalion. In simple terms, a reverse albino cross between a standard anthropromorphic winter wolf and a Class B-27 dragon." Anubis began. He noticed Akane's blank stare. He sighed and simplified it, "Wolf-man humps a dragon."  
  
Akane nodded in comprehension. She might have blanched a year ago, but considering what she'd done with Kodachi, it didn't seem that bizarre.  
  
"So, what's up?" Akane inquired.  
  
"I'm here to review your status as Sailor Battle Athletess." Anubis began, "It's a standard first year progress report. We just take a little look over what you've done, how you've improved, where you might need further improvement, that sort of thing."  
  
"Uh.....huh......" Akane began, before realizing that this might be the golden oppurtunity she was looking for! Anubis might be able to get her a different sexual partner, or at least one that didn't stretch the term pervert to it's very limits.  
  
"I see you had the standard starting blunders... a few mishaps with the Ultra-High Jump ability... good battle record for a rookie with no real support... let's look at your more unusual actions. Now, what exactly were you thinking during the incident where you managed to jam your entire left arm up a monster's buttocks?" Anubis asked.  
  
Akane's face flushed, "Well, he was jumping around and I thought if I could catch him with one good uppercut when he was descending..."  
  
Anubis held up a hand, "That's quite enough. I can take it off the list of questionable actions. It's typical of the Watcher's department to record these things out of context. Do you have any idea what all these accounts of 'Indulging in Sexual Intercourse During An Emergency' might be about?"  
  
"It was all Kodachi's fault! I keep getting knocked into her by monsters and she thinks it's a come-on." Akane protested.  
  
Anubis was confused until he saw Quartax's note on creating a starter relationship between Akane and some girl named Kodachi Kuno. He hummed. That sort of situation didn't often come up with most sexual/relationship based powers. Usually, the person didn't act any differently than they normally did, they simply had a strong emotional attachment to the intended. Meaning that the person would know not to fool around when there was danger.  
  
Anubis wondered how he could report that, "Hmmm, I guess I can place them under 'Confused Relationship Problems - Non-Intentional'. How about 'Propensity for Sexual Deviance' and 'Misuse of Senshi Transformation'?"  
  
"That was Kodachi's fault again! She keeps wanting to do any and every fetish she thinks we can do!" Akane responded.  
  
"I think I can pass it by..." Anubis began, [But I'm not sure how to report it.]  
  
"Most of what's gone wrong is all Kodachi's fault. I'll admit to a few blunders here and there, but I can't stand her! She's ruining my life!" Akane told Anubis, tears forming in her eyes as she began doing the one thing she didn't like to frequently do, beg, "Can't I change my partner? Choose someone I might actually LIKE? Please?"  
  
Anubis considered it. In cases such as this, most of problems did stem from problems within the relationship. And if the senshi was too focused on their relationship problems, then they couldn't thwart evil like they were supposed to.  
  
"I suppose I could change it if it's that big of a problem. The only thing is that I have to select proper partners for BOTH of you. And I have to warn you that if I go back to my office to make those changes, I'm not going to be back for five years." Anubis explained.  
  
"Fine! Anyone who isn't as crazy as Kodachi will do!" Akane replied.  
  
"All right, but you have to live with the changes for FIVE years." Anubis warned her.  
  
"GREAT!" Akane told him.  
  
*POOF*  
  
And Anubis was gone. And Akane danced for joy. At last, no more Kodachi hanging all over her!  
  
Two Days Later...  
  
Akane wept for despair. Kodachi was now having sex with Kasumi. And they were ten times more creepy than Kodachi had been alone. It seemed that all the stress from maintaining the house and keeping up a cheerful demeanor had made Kasumi snap and become an uber-pervert like Kodachi.  
  
Nabiki and Ranma had fled to the Ucchan, Genma had fled to parts unknown when the two started making plans having sex on a panda-skin rug and enjoying roast panda over an open fire, Soun had left to live with Miss Hinako. And Akane was forced to stay in the house all alone.  
  
Worse, she'd been forced to hook up with some crazy woman named Eudial, who Akane had managed to pull out of the bay a few weeks ago, as no one else was willing to (9). Apparently, Kodachi had spread the word all over Tokyo that Akane was no longer her slut-puppy, and that had immediately repulsed any possible prospects.  
  
And it managed sink further into the region of 'bad', since Eudial was into biting and clawing. Akane wept openly, not caring who saw her. She was damned to a miserable five years with a woman who thought Akane was her scratch post or a chewtoy.  
  
Her new best friend patted her gently on the top of her head, "Tuxedo Pedro knows how you feel, Miss Battle Athletess... he too is not treated well by fate."(10)  
  
Akane sniffled and looked up at him. The darkly-tanned immigrant worker from Brazil was actually handsome and dashing in his uniform. And that was just the outfit. He was kind, considerate, muscular, and he had steady work. Too bad he was taken. Not to mention the wrong gender.  
  
"Come on, Pedro, we've got evil to thwart." Akane sighed.  
  
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"Superheroes suck." - Teen Titans by Adam Warren  
  
(1) - Quartax couldn't see the reason behind the concept of liquor and other such substances. Why willingly form an addiction to substances that was harmful to oneself if one only got temporary relief from what caused the addiction and a host of (albeit mostly temporary) medical problems?  
  
(2) - They once numbered in the hundreds.  
  
(3) - Just a clarifying statement: This pen and it's powers are based on Battle Athlete series and is NOT meant to be a jab at female athletes being lesbians. It's just how the series went, I swear.  
  
(4) - Which was impossible.  
  
(5) - If you know all of those characters, give yourself a pat on the back.  
  
(6) - Surprisingly, Kodachi had held off on this fetish, but only because she'd wanted to have a few things installed.  
  
(7) - Akane figured that would be more for her family's benefit since the Kunos were all considered to be a bunch of psychos anyway.  
  
(8) - Hey, she didn't realize P-chan and Ryouga were one in the same for over a year. What makes you think she could catch onto something equally obvious? Besides, even if she did know, she'd probably just ask him to increase the number of attacks. (Anything to get her away from Kodachi!)  
  
(9) - Take this sentence as you will: Cruel towards Akane or the view towards saving random people who find themselves in the bay.  
  
(10) - If you recognized Pedro Domingo, the immigrant worker from Excel Saga the anime, good for you! 


	3. Strike 3 Hyatt

Quartax sighed. Things were NOT going well for the department. Apparently, management had noticed the large number of errors and out-of-context reports that the Watcher's Department had been placing in folders.  
  
That was a good thing.  
  
The Watcher's department was getting revised monitoring procedures and an expansion team that would look over the files at hand and review the entire context of the entry before accepting it into the folder.  
  
However, they apparently wanted the review board to re-review all of the transactions in the last ten years.  
  
That was a VERY _BAD_ thing.  
  
Luckily, Anubis' abrupt breaking out into tears, one of the first signs that a reviewer was about to quit, had prompted the department to finally do something they'd been meaning to do for a VERY long time.  
  
Hire temp workers.  
  
Unfortunately, only another organization had the manpower to supply the temp workers that the Interdimensional Magical Girl Association Agency (1) needed, was one that was operating at the exact opposite spectrum: Evil, Inc. (2)  
  
It had been a tense decision, but they'd hired on some temps from Evil, Inc.  
  
Hopefully, for Anubis' sake, and Quartax's (because if it had been warned that the two departments would be forced to do the same work if any more reviewers quit), the temp workers would work out...  
  
For the next forty to eighty thousand years.  
  
As it was, Anubis was currently stuck slowly teaching how to go over files to the newbies. It would be a while, and they would be working backwards...  
  
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Sailor Akane 3 - One More Time  
  
------------------------------   
  
Sailor Battle Athletess leaned her head in through her window and slid almost bonelessly to the floor. She didn't care about the noise she made. Keeping her secret identity wasn't worth the effort at the moment.  
  
A new wizard had shown up in Nerima, one that outclassed Gos-Kun by... a lot. Apparently the bastard was smart too, because he'd made a fully-functional Majin Buu from Dragon Ball Z.  
  
Ordinarily, she and Tuxedo Pedro would have been in the pink blob's belly, given that Akane was nowhere near as powerful as a Super Saiyanjin Stage 3, nor did she have the insanely powerful Genki Dama. But, luckily, the Majin Buu replica hadn't eaten, and thus was very, VERY, _VERY_ feeble compared to it's pen-ultimate form in DBZ.  
  
Even so, it had taken Tuxedo Pedro's master, Nabeshin, and all of their high-classed friends to help take out the pink beast.  
  
Akane shuddered as she detransformed. She might not be unsurpassable when it came to pure physical power, but Majin Buu was a cheap bastard who flung around ki blasts like they were worthless pogs.  
  
"Excuse me, are you Akane Tendo?" came a soft feminine voice.  
  
Akane looked up to see a pale girl with long wavy black hair standing over her. The girl looked to be in her late teens/early twenties, and was wearing a sailor fuku just like the one Akane wore as Sailor Battle Athletess, only her scarf, bows and even the jewels were half maroon and half black. In her left hand was a PDA and in her right was a plastic pen (the non-henshin sort).  
  
"yeaaahhhh..." Akane replied weakly as she sat up and weakly moved over to her bed.  
  
Her body ached too much for her to be even remotely worried about what might happen. Plus, two years of twisted sexual games and the like with Kodachi, then Eudial, had drained away most of her once-quick-to-ignite anger.  
  
The girl cleared her throat, "I'm Hyatt Ayasugi,(3) from the Interdimension Magical Girl Society... I think... I don't recall it's name very well and they keep changing it on me. Anyhow, I'm very sorry to bother you, but I'm here to review your file."  
  
"Is that right? Cool. Maybe you can get me a different set of powers or hell, even a different girlfriend would help." Akane replied as she leaned against her headboard to speak with the visitor.  
  
Hyatt arched an eyebrow and opened her mouth to speak when a sudden crash, one that sounded like a bookcase falling on someone, echoed throughout the house.  
  
"What was that?" Hyatt asked.  
  
"Probably my trap." Akane replied, "I hope it nailed Eudial."  
  
"Um, according to your file, Eudial is your sexual partner... so, shouldn't you-" Hyatt began.  
  
"Look, she treats me like a scratching post during sex and keeps trying to track down and kill someone named 'Mimi-ette'(4) or something in her spare time. She's evil and I don't know why your organization allowed this coupling in the first place." Akane replied, reaching into the mini-fridge next to her bed, where she kept her antibiotic cream and ice packs, and pulled out several ice packs to lay on her legs, shoulders and head.  
  
"Oh dear..." Hyatt began, jotting down notes in the comment box of her PDA.  
  
"So, what are you supposed to be? Sailor Polar Opposites? Sailor Rage? Sailor Overdrive?(5)" Akane inquired.  
  
"No, I'm Sailor Flower." Hyatt answered.  
  
"Oh." Akane replied, in a disinterested tone.(6)  
  
"Well, like I said, I'm making a review on your case file and I need to go over a few things. According to this, you've been doing small time thefts in grocery and pharmaceutical stores." Hyatt asked Akane as she started over the case file.  
  
"Look, I leave compensation, plus a tip at the counter. I just really need Nu-Skin, Peroxide and this antibiotic cream. Eudial never cleans under her nails and I've seen her rummaging through trash." Akane replied.(7)  
  
"What about these accounts of Spousal Abuse?" Hyatt inquired.  
  
"Those HAVE to be miswritten. Eudial abuses ME, not the other way around." Akane replied.  
  
Hyatt tapped away at the PDA.  
  
"How about these accounts of Dangerously Out-Of-Character Flirtation?" Hyatt queried.  
  
Akane shook her head, "Look, these powers just aren't me. I totally respect lesbians, but I just want a set of powers where I can date people who I want. And occassionally not embarrass myself by getting my ass kicked over and over."  
  
"Hmmm, I suppose I could put in for a Powers Conflict With Interest... It's pretty big stuff, but if you're getting hurt repeatedly..." Hyatt began.  
  
"THANK YOU!" Akane cried, "I'd hug you, but I ache all over."  
  
"Well, see you..." Hyatt stated, turning and vanishing.  
  
Finally, after two years, Akane would FINALLY get something she could live with.  
  
A FEW DAYS LATER  
  
Akane sighed. Things had certainly changed. Sailor Battle Athletess was no longer one and the same with Akane Tendo.  
  
Akane was now Sailor Naked Kunoichi.  
  
Tuxedo Pedro had been MOST surprised to find THAT out.  
  
Even if she wasn't as physically powerful as she had been as Sailor Battle Athletess and she was now forced to be 90% naked, she didn't have to date Eudial. Which was great, because Sailor Moon had killed the insane redhead yesterday.  
  
But being a Kunoichi had a lot of advantages and disadvantages. She had all the cool ninja moves, like moving invisibly/silently, ninja teleportation, the ability to pull out an unlimited amount of ninja equipment; she still had gloves, boots, a tiara, and earrings; and she was, over all, three times more effective than she had ever been as Sailor Battle Athletess.  
  
But she was still showing off her important parts; her sister and Kodachi were still dating (and being creepy); Nabiki, Ukyou and Ranma were now happily married (they'd said it'd been possible due to some loophole in the law); Ms. Hinako was expecting next month, (meaning Akane was going to have more family members); and she still had to deal with both Gos-Kun and the new more powerful sorcerers (something she'd recently found out), named Yu-Chan and Sa-Chan.(8)  
  
Overall, it was still infinitely better.  
  
"Come on, Tuxedo Pedro, we need to stop Yu-Chan and Sa-Chan! Dammit, pull it out already!" Akane griped, looking back.  
  
"But, Miss Naked Kunoichi, it's stuck!" Tuxedo Pedro apologized, looking both flustered and extremely embarrassed.  
  
"How could it be stuck?!" Akane demanded.  
  
"I guess it must have grown inside..." Pedro replied sheepishly.  
  
Akane growled with frustration, "I still don't know WHY you need to wear a cape.(9) Now, hurry up and get it out of that elevator door. It looks like the rain might pick up."  
  
Pedro nodded.  
  
"And let's hurry so we can get back to your apartment and have a lot of wild sex." Akane replied.  
  
Tuxedo Pedro struggled faster.  
  
=======================================================================  
  
I made this for three reasons.  
  
A) I strongly believe that two chapters is never enough for a short series. Three should be the minimum.  
  
B) I needed to see if I could embarrass Akane further.  
  
C) All right, I felt kinda bad leaving Akane with Eudial the Uber-Bitch.  
  
So, I decided to break up Eudial and Akane. Of course, Akane has been falling for Tuxedo Pedro since she met him, so I decided to shack them up.  
  
What? After two years, Akane would be of legal age. She's sixteen by the start of the series, which means she'd be AT LEAST eighteen by the time this story starts, if not possibly older because I didn't say when this parody began during R 1/2 series.  
  
(1) - They'd changed their names _again_!  
  
(2) - Believe it or not, but Evil, Inc. popped up in Akane Revised long before it showed up as a link for Supermegatopia.  
  
(3) - From Excel Saga, just like Pedro. Only, she's also in the manga.  
  
(4) - Mimete, one of the Witches 5 (just like Eudial), destroyed Eudial's brakes when Eudial fled a battlefield after almost collecting the objects the W5 were after, and had been tormenting Eudial with snails and cheap jabs prior. What Eudial doesn't know is that Mimete, the dumb back-stabbing bimbo that she was (yes, she WAS a bimbo, because she'd seduce every @#$@@ing guy she was supposed to be attacking), has already gotten her come-uppence after another W5 member pulled the plug on Mimete's last ditch attempt to beat Sailor Moon, killing Mimete instantly.  
  
(5) - I swear to Ukyou Kuonji, my goddess, I DO have an end arc all set up for that series. I just have to get around to writing it.  
  
(6) - Akane STILL doesn't know what she's passed up.  
  
(7) - Nu-Skin, for those who don't know, is a foul-smelling substance that you brush over small cuts and scrapes (and even broken blisters) and it creates a temporary faux skin, better than a band-aid. REALLY useful if you tend to get a lot of cuts and such.  
  
(8) - aka. Yuka and Sayuri, Akane's two friends from school.  
  
(9) - Admit it, you thought they were having sex. 


End file.
